the waiting

It's 11:00 at night, I should be in bed, but I can't sleep.  Thus, currently, I'm listening to "Wavin' Flag" by K'naan (a World Cup song), reminiscing about the '06 World Cup while I was in Italy, and blogging random thoughts.  B and I both snoozed a little bit tonight (B was tired, and I was nursing a headache), and while my husband has been blessed with the ability to sleep wherever and whenever, I, on the other hand, have not been endowed with this gift.  This is my third late night this week due to later naps during the day - they're never terribly long (maybe half an hour at most), but they're enough to keep me wound up during the time when I should be winding down each day.  

Perhaps part of it, also, is the spinning in my head about possible scenarios for us in these next few weeks.  I lay in bed and my mind starts to whirl with the uncertainty we face once our current lease expires on the 31st.  B is waiting to hear still from three law schools, one in Minnesota, one in Wisconsin, and one (waiting list) in Florida.  

Here, let's do the math:
Three distinct schools + three different cities + three weeks until we're out of this apartment = BIG TIME ANXIETY FOR YOURS TRULY.  

My insides seem literally to twist and turn as I'm poring over all the different situations in which we could find ourselves in just 21 days.  And don't even get me started on how my brain processes all of this - most of the time it's reeling, and just trying to keep up with the barrage of thoughts I throw at it at any given moment.  

A sampling of the thoughts that spin through my head, usually at least once a day:
Where will we be on August 1st? 
Where will our belongings be on August 1st?
With B working, how are we even going to be able to move?  How are we going to get our things out of this apartment in the first place?  
What will our job situation look like in a month? 
What about health insurance?  
What about just staying afloat financially during the transition of moving?  
Will we be able to attend a family reunion in North Carolina next month?  


 Needless to say, this is all just gut-wrenching, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I don't handle any of this well.  I crashed emotionally earlier this week - I think I had had it up to here for the afternoon, just thinking about the unknown and stewing over the vagueness of our next move in life.  I came home and cried.  (I'm not a terribly emotional person usually, so to have had two emotional episodes in one week is a big deal for me.)  "It's just too much for me," I whined to B.  "I'm sick of this, I just need to know what's next.  There's so much planning involved, but I need to know where we're going to be in order to make those plans."  

"You think you need to know," B assured me.  "But it's not God's time yet.  You want to know now, but it's not God's time to reveal that yet."  

"Well, it needs to be His time," I retorted.  "I need to know."  

Yet here we are, a day later, and we still don't know - I still don't know that which I believe so earnestly that I need to know.  I anticipate the mail every day - almost counting down the minutes to when the postman will arrive, praying that he has something there that will define the course of our lives for the next year.  Sometimes, forgive me, I don't even care if he brings with him three rejection letters - three denials from the three schools, just anything to bring more direction to the next three weeks.  It's so ridiculous, we're off to Kansas City for the weekend, and it hurts to know that I'm going to miss getting the mail for two whole days.  And deep down I know that we will know at the right time - God will reveal this to us when He sees fit.  It's just the waiting around part, as the days tick down, that is seemingly eating away at me.  

What little faith I have!